Am I a Narcissist?

This is for informational purposes only. For medical advice or a diagnosis, consult a professional.

Do I have narcissistic tendencies?

It's a tough question but necessary for anyone in leadership. How can I know if I am one? It's not a simple one to answer. Narcissism isn't one-size-fits-all. Think of it as a dimmer switch, not an on/off button. It exists on a spectrum, with degrees of intensity and different ways it shows up. So, before we go through the questions, we need to discuss these nuances to better understand how narcissism works.

I'm not a therapist. But I've worked with leaders for years and seen firsthand how certain behaviors impact individuals, teams, and entire organizations. These observations and questions stem from that experience: learning from different camps, relevant studies, coaching and counseling work.

NOTE: Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) should only be made by a qualified mental health professional. This discussion only examines various narcissistic traits, not to diagnose but to inform and empower.

Let's look at some key points along the spectrum:

Overt Narcissism: This is the image most people conjure when they think of a narcissist. It's the loud, brash, attention-seeking individual. They're grandiose, arrogant and openly boastful. They crave admiration and are quick to anger when challenged. They may be charming and charismatic, but their charm is superficial and manipulative. They interrupt others, dominate conversations, and have little interest in the perspectives of others.

Example: A CEO who constantly brags about their wealth and accomplishments, interrupts colleagues in meetings and dismisses any ideas that aren't theirs.

Covert Narcissism: This presentation is more subtle. Covert narcissists are quiet, sensitive and even appear shy. But beneath the surface lies a deep sense of entitlement and a need for admiration. They express their narcissism through passive aggression and resentment. They are highly sensitive to criticism and withdraw or become sullen when they don't get their way. They play the victim and blame others for their problems.

Example: A team member who consistently undermines others' work behind the scenes complains about not getting enough recognition and plays the martyr when confronted about their behavior.

Malignant Narcissism: Malignant combines narcissistic traits with elements of antisocial personality disorder such as a lack of conscience and aggression. Malignant narcissists are ruthless, vindictive and enjoy inflicting pain on others. They are sadistic and have a history of manipulating and exploiting others.

Example: A business development director who actively sabotages the careers of their subordinates, spreads malicious rumors, and seems to derive pleasure from causing distress.

Antagonistic Narcissism: This type is characterized by a competitive, aggressive, and hostile approach to relationships. Antagonistic narcissists are argumentative and confrontational and enjoy putting others down. They are bullies or tyrants. They are highly critical of others and enjoy making others feel small or inadequate.

Example: Picture a colleague who constantly criticizes others' work, engages in power struggles, and relishes winning arguments, even if it means resorting to personal attacks.

Communal Narcissism: They derive their narcissistic supply from their perceived acts of altruism or community service. They get involved in charitable work or volunteer organizations but their motives are more about self-aggrandizement than genuine concern for others. They use their "good deeds" as a way to gain admiration and attention.

Example: An HR director volunteers at an orphanage but constantly talks about their "selfless" acts and uses their volunteer work to promote themselves.

Having narcissistic traits doesn't necessarily mean you have NPD. The difference primarily comes down to how present and impactful narcissism is in one's daily life. Someone with a few narcissistic tendencies might occasionally boast or struggle with empathy. But someone with NPD exhibits a consistent and inflexible pattern of these behaviors across almost all areas of their life.  It's not just a brief moment. It's a lifestyle.

Now that you know the baseline let's get to those questions.

Do I crave admiration? Is my self-worth tied to external validation? Do I feel threatened when I'm not the center of attention? Do I exaggerate my accomplishments and minimize those of others? Do I feel insignificant when praise isn't forthcoming? Do I fish for compliments? Do I genuinely celebrate my team's wins or see them as a reflection of my brilliance? A healthy leader values recognition while a narcissistic leader needs it constantly.

Do I lack empathy? Do I struggle to understand or care about the feelings of my team members? Do I interrupt them, dismiss their concerns or minimize their emotions? Can I truly put myself in their shoes, even when I disagree? Empathy is essential for connection. A narcissistic boss views their team as extensions of themselves not as individuals with their own needs and perspectives.

Do I exploit others? Do I take credit for their work? Do I manipulate or pressure them to do things my way? Do I use my position for personal gain? Do I see my team as an instrument to achieve my own goals? Exploitation can be subtle. It might be consistently assigning the less desirable tasks to one team member or subtly pressuring someone to work late even when you know they have a family commitment.

Do I react defensively to criticism? Even constructive feedback? Do I become angry, blame others or see feedback as a personal attack? Do I hold grudges? A healthy leader sees feedback as a chance to learn. A narcissistic boss sees it as a challenge to their authority.

Do I have a sense of entitlement? Do I believe the rules don't apply to me? Do I become enraged when I don't get my way? Do I demand special treatment? This shows up in small ways, such as demanding the best office or always taking the last available resource, or in more significant ways, such as skirting ethical guidelines or misusing company funds.

Am I arrogant? Do I boast about my abilities, achievements and connections? Do I look down on others? Arrogance is a close cousin of narcissism. The cousins hang out a lot in the pantry and sometimes in the boardroom. It's always present during check-ins and debriefings.

Do I gaslight my team? Do I twist their words, deny their experiences or make them doubt their own sanity? Do I rewrite history to suit my narrative? Gaslighting is a particularly insidious form of manipulation. It breaks trust. It leaves team members feeling confused and disoriented.

Do I micromanage? Do I hover over my team scrutinizing every detail of their work? Do I have trouble delegating? Do I believe only I can do things "the right way"? Micromanaging isn't about quality control. It's about control. It communicates a lack of trust and disregard for collaboration.

Do I observe boundaries? Do I overstep professional boundaries with my team? Do I pry into their personal lives? Do I expect them to be available 24/7? Respecting boundaries is vital for a healthy work environment. A narcissistic boss treats boundaries as suggestions, not as firm limits.

Do I experience anxiety? Narcissists struggle with deep insecurity. The constant need for validation is a symptom of emptiness. Anxiety trickles in from the fear of exposure; the dread that their carefully constructed facade will crumble.

This isn't about labeling yourself. This is a tool for self-awareness. It's a way to identify areas where you can focus your leadership development. Romans 12:3b (NIV) says, "Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment,..." It's about honest self-reflection and commitment to personal growth. Welcome this opportunity for growth. Your team and your leadership efficacy depend on it. If many of these questions resonate, it's probably time for some guidance. Consider seeking professional help. A coach, therapist or counselor can provide a safe space to discuss these tendencies and develop strategies for healthier leadership.

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REMEMBER

• Narcissism exists on a spectrum and understanding where you fall is the first step toward change.

• Understanding the nuances of narcissistic behavior is key to identifying it in yourself.

• Professional help can support your journey toward healthier leadership.

REFLECT

• What specific examples can I recall that demonstrate these tendencies in my behavior?

• Which of these questions made me most uncomfortable? Why?

• What impact have these behaviors had on my team's performance and morale?

RESPOND

• How can I cultivate greater empathy and truly listen to my team's perspectives?

• What steps can I take to establish a culture of trust and open communication?

• How can I actively seek feedback to better understand how my behaviors may be perceived and potentially misaligned with what I intend?

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